Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Little Boys

Thursday, April 29th, 2010
FIRST TIME SEX
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.
  
 Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.   
 
  The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time &  the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. 
  
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. 
  
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’ 
  
The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
  
 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’ 
  
The boy turns & whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’ 

They Walk Amongst Us

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

IDIOT SIGHTING #1.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so and he handed me back the 20 pence and said, ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING #2.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a ½ horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.’
I responded that ½ was larger than ¼ and he said, ’Nooo, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used GARADOR repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3.

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the highways department to request the removal of the ‘DEER CROSSING’ sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4.

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’  He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened at Luton Airport.

IDIOT SIGHTING #6.

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it’s on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’  She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.

IDIOT SIGHTING #7.

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the mechanic, ‘its open!’
His reply: ‘I know. I already did that side.’
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!
They walk amongst us…
[ particularly if you live in the south of England!  I think this explains a lot!!

When click of a mouse cost £2,000

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

Check your accounts, you may have £2,000 sitting there! I know I don’t check all of my accounts from one year to the next.

Rubber Ducks Sail 17,000 Miles

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

I found this article in the Daily Mail and thought it was highly amusing:

They were toys destined only to bob up and down in nothing bigger than a child’s bath – but so far they have floated halfway around the world.

The armada of 29,000 plastic yellow ducks, blue turtles and green frogs broke free from a cargo ship 15 years ago.

Since then they have travelled 17,000 miles, floating over the site where the Titanic sank, landing in Hawaii and even spending years frozen in an Arctic ice pack.

And now they are heading straight for Britain. At some point this summer they are expected to be spotted on beaches in South-West England.

While the ducks are undoubtedly a loss to the bath-time fun of thousands of children, their adventures at sea have proved an innvaluable aid to science.

rubber ducks

The toys have helped researchers to chart the great ocean currents because when they are spotted bobbing on the waves they are much more likely to be reported to the authorities than the floats which scientists normally use.

And because the toys are made of durable plastic and are sealed watertight, they have been able to survive years adrift at the mercy of the elements.

Boxes of the bathtime toys – made in China for the U.S. firm The First Years Inc – were washed overboard in the eastern Pacific Ocean one stormy January night in 1992 and broke open.

In the intervening time an oceanographer, Curtis Ebbesmeyer, has devoted his retirement to tracking the little yellow ducks and their friends over 17,000 miles, and it is he who has predicted that this summer they will land in the

West of England. Mr Ebbesmeyer said: ‘We’re getting reports of ducks being washed up on America’s eastern seaboard.

“It is now inevitable that they will get caught up in the Atlantic currents and will turn up on English beaches.

“Cornwall and the South-West will probably get the first wave of them.”

 

Curtis Ebbesmeyer Curtis Ebbesmeyer has been tracking the floating plastic ducks around the world’s oceans

Mr Ebbesmeyer said the toys will be easy for British beachboardcombers to spot because they have largely faded to white and have the words “The First Years” stamped upon them.

George Bush Snr was still US President when the toys from The First Years Inc. were made in China, packed into a container and put on a ship for the US.

But after falling overboard, the sea water corroded the card-packaging and the toys floated free. They circled the northern Pacific once before being washed up on the Alaskan shore, then all down the West coast of Canada and the US.

Mr Ebbesmeyer saw immediately how valuable the little toys would be to scientific research of the great ocean currents, the engine of the planet’s entire climate.

He correctly predicted what many thought was impossible – that thousands of them would end up washed into the Arctic ice near Alaska, and then move at a mile a day, frozen in the pack ice, around their very own North-West Passage to the Atlantic.

It proved true years later and in 2003, the first “Friendly Floatees” were found, frozen and then thawed out, on the eastern seaboard of the U.S. and Canada.

So precious to science are they that the US firm that made them is offering a £50 bounty for finding one.

THE JOURNEY SO FAR:

10 JANUARY 1992: Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean nearly 29,000 First Years bath toys, including bright yellow rubber ducks, are spilled from a cargo ship in the Pacific Ocean.

16 NOVEMBER 1992: Caught in the Subpolar Gyre (counter-clockwise ocean current in the Bering Sea, between Alaska and Siberia), the ducks take 10 months to begin landing on the shores of Alaska.

EARLY 1995: The ducks take three years to circle around. East from the drop site to Alaska, then west and south to Japan before turning back north and east passing the original drop site and again landing in North America. Some ducks are even found In Hawaii. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) worked out that the ducks travel approximately 50 per pent faster than the water in the current.

1995 – 2000: Some intrepid ducks escape the Subpolar Gyre and head North, through the Bering Straight and into the frozen waters of the Arctic. Frozen into the ice the ducks travel slowly across the pole, moving ever eastward.

2000: Ducks begin reaching the North Atlantic where they begin to thaw and move Southward. Soon ducks are sighted bobbing in the waves from Maine to Massachusetts.

2001: Ducks are tracked in the area where the Titanic sank.

JULY TO DECEMBER 2003: The First Years company offers a $100 savings bond reward for the recovery of wayward ducks from the 1992 spill. To be valid ducks must be sent to the company and must be found in New England, Canada or Iceland. Britain is told to prepare for an invasion of the wayward ducks as well.

2003: A lawyer called Sonali Naik was on holiday in the Hebrides in north-west Scotland when she found a faded green frog on the beach marked with the magic words ‘The First Years’. Unaware of the significance of her find she left it on the beach. It was only when she was chatting to other guests at her hotel that she realised what she had seen.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-464768/Thousands-rubber-ducks-land-British-shores-15-year-journey.html#ixzz0Qy1EmrNa$

Facebook Screw Up! Oh Dear :(

Saturday, September 5th, 2009
You're Screwed!
You’re Screwed!

UK Mobile Numbers Being Published Online – Remove NOW!

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

Maybe you have heard about this but early next week all UK mobiles will be on a directory which will mean that anyone will be able to access the numbers. It is easy to unsubscribe but it must be done before the beginning of next week to make sure that you are ex directory. I have unsubscribed and you may want to suggest it to all your friends and family who have UK mobiles or they could be swamped by unsolicited messages and calls. Removal is recommended by the BBC – see link below.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/working_lunch/8091621.stm

Just done this myself. Double checked it wasn’t a scam and it is actually on the BBC website recommending to do this.

The Directory of Mobile Phone numbers goes live next week. All numbers including those belonging to children will be open to cold calling and the general abuse that less scrupulous telesales people subject us too.

  • To remove your number go here. (you need your mobile phone with you to do this, they text you a code)

    http://www.118800.co.uk/removeme/remove-me.html

    When on the site, click “Home” then “Ex-directory” this will remove you from the directory.

    You can remove your number from this list, and tell all your friends – especially those with children who have mobile phones. I personally believe my mobile number is private and I should be able to chose who I give it to – none of us agreed to this when we signed our mobile phone contracts.

    You may wish to pass this on to family and friends.

    Kittens Born Inside Combine Harvestor

    Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

    This is such a sweet story! At least they’re trying to save the little ones…

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8125439.stm

    Twitter to Blog not working :(

    Sunday, June 28th, 2009

    I just can’t get it to work :( If anyone else is using Twitter Tools by Alex King and has it working, please feel free to suggest a fix ! :)

    Welcome

    Monday, June 15th, 2009

    Welcome to the new Coulton.Biz blog. Lots of randomness to come.